A woman with commitment issues.

9hoursofsenses
4 min readNov 4, 2020
Roman palazzo apartment of Cy Twombly

“You are the one of the very few people that I know who admires knowledge and seeks it on a daily basis. Your best break is reading philosophy. You have literally killed your social life because you would rather work and secure a financial future for yourself and future offsprings. You do voluntary work to support the poor, refugee, animals and small businesses. You don’t get along with girls who are all about makeup and fashion. You treasure experiencing the world through traveling more than anything else. You value things in life that are for practical reasons or human principles. By nature, you are giving, generous, kind, and very nurturing. You see a homeless, you look for ways to provide a home. You believe that kindness fixes everything, and only love is enough.”

My ex-lover of 4 years wrote me that as a reminder to who I am, and checklist of basic personal principles of social and political standing to be applied on any future man that I might be dating. The problem is, there is no way to date as a person embedded with these basic personal principles.

You see, I have serious commitment issues, which is why the lover remained a lover, never a boyfriend. I keep saying that I don’t want a relationship to men — men who perhaps only wanted naked fun, men who perhaps buy into the wonderful idea of me after knowing me for two weeks (before PMS takes dominance of my character), and also men who are genuinely in love with me against my imperfections.

“I don’t want a relationship”, that’s the greatest unthinking white lie that I tell day in and out.

The truth is, commitment issues. The issues that come from the fear of meeting a man who is not in for the long-run through the worst and greatest moments together. The fear comes from seeing couples around you failing, because one of them was not honest about what he/she wanted the most. The fear just accumulates when love is defined so differently on everyone’s terms. Love can mean letting the person go, freed as we are born to be. Love can also mean forever holding on to each other through the most chaotic, confused, and vulnerable times.

There are some women out there, who are built to be a loyal, lifelong partner. I have met a few. They bring plenty onto…

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